Random Talk : Growing Up

This is a really different post, just in terms of content. I know that I have posted personal stuff before, and I also know that I have done many random thoughts, on pretty random topics. But somehow, even though this article may feel familiar, it is a really different feeling sitting here and writing it. Don’t ask me why it feels different. It is one of those things I cannot put into words.

And with that introduction, let me start working on putting my feelings up on the computer screen. I am at a very precarious stage in my life. Not in terms of financial stability, or emotional distress, but just in terms of the amount of stuff in life I have figured out and the amount of stuff I haven’t.

I am at a precarious point in my relationships too. My parents are starting to realize I have grown up. They are starting to realize that, yeah, even my arguments have a base, and they are starting to see that me explaining something during an argument, is not talking back.

I am starting to realize that if I don’t put in a conscious effort into making sure my closest friends remain close, they are going to drift apart. I know that it is all but natural, but the fear is always there. The fear that one day I will wake up and, someone who was my closest friend in school will turn out to be someone who I rarely talk to, and the only way I will be acknowledging their existence, is if I use my mouse to click like on one of their Facebook posts.

All of a sudden, without the daily routine of school, there is nothing that is making sure that I have to interact with them. Any interaction is something which has to be brought about by a conscious effort from both you and the other person. What’s even scarier is the thought that they may not be as inclined as you are to put in said effort.

But, experience is a solid teacher, and I believe I have learnt to let go when I feel that somebody wants to let go, too. It is never a good idea to coerce someone into putting effort into something they really don’t want to do.

These are thoughts that keep me up at night. Thoughts that one day, the friends on whose birthdays I make it a point to meet them, will become friends whose birthday reminders will be left ignored by me if Facebook.

To me, Facebook is the greatest Anti-friendship media in the world. Call me a hypocrite but it is my belief that if you don’t, at the very least, call someone on their birthday to wish them, they are just an acquaintance. It doesn’t matter if you had been soul siblings in the past, if you send them a happy birthday through Facebook; you are nothing more than acquaintances.

Now that I have wandered off topic sufficiently, let’s come back to the precariousness of my situation.

I am at a point in my life, where I have no clue what tomorrow holds. When you are in school, you know that you have math in the second period and if you don’t finish the physics record, you will be shouted at in the second period. But right now, I have no clue what tomorrow holds. That’s equal parts exiting, as it is scary.

It is also a precarious situation, because when I look back on my experiences, they simultaneously feel like they are worthless and extremely important. It is weird looking back at everything that I have gone through, everything I have learnt and every bit of knowledge I have acquired, and translating it in a way which will help me figure out what the future holds for me.

It is almost like, all the crap which I thought mattered, doesn’t even add up to one percent of what my life is going to be. And at the same time, I feel like it has taught me more than I can learn in my following years.

I am now going to do something which all my English teachers will hate. I am going to end this post really abruptly. Not because I don’t know how to take it to a gradual finish, but rather, I want to leave it at this. I want to stop, because someone can only tolerate so much of insecure teenage whining.

So if you read till this particular line, then I thank you for listening to this, particularly annoying, teenager’s random thoughts.

I want to finish this post with the following words. I am so close to figuring out who I am, and yet I am so far away. I am trying so hard to improve myself as a person, but I have no idea if my efforts are working. But I guess at the end of the day, what matters is the effort. I guess it is the effort that you put that makes you realize that you are growing up.

Peace!!!